What the hell is a Midwest Rock Lobster?

So glad you asked. A Midwest Rock Lobster is a highly intelligent crustacean found off the coast of Missouri.

What do Midwest Rock Lobsters do that make them so different from other lobsters?

Aside from being larger and more trap-savvy that the average lobster, a Midwest Rock Lobster writes, plays guitar, violently fulminates about the sorry state of politics, and makes beer.

Is it 'Lobster' or 'lobster?'

The question of capitalization can be a tricky one. If you are referring to a specific Midwest Rock Lobster, it is capitalized. If you're speaking of lobsters in the generic, tank-in-the-restaurant sense, it gets a lower case. But Lobsters aren't as hung up on this as some religious sects. Try typing 'christian' or 'xtian' and see how fast Christians start to turn red and snap their claws.

Is it a church or what?

While it has its religious elements, Lobsterism is more than a religion or political philosophy. It is an all-encompassing mode of existence. While the Founder, for instance, accepts the arguments of Intelligent Design, it doesn't necessarily follow that the 'designer' left behind an owners manual, serial number, and technical support line. Irreducible complexity implies design. How intelligent was the designer? More intelligent than people or Lobsters, but that's damning with faint praise.

Uh, okay, so what do you believe?

Midwest Rock Lobsters believe in Truth, Justice and Free Beer. When we're more serious, we are anarchists. Not the bomb-throwing sort.

Then what sort of anarchists are you guys?

Midwest Rock Lobster defines government as the exercise of force or fraud to control others. A mugger in an alley is a government of one over one. When he takes his victims wallet, he is simply collecting taxes.

Which means that the Mafia, the Crips, the U.S. Govrernment, Al Queda, etc. are all governments, and what's worse, they're governments that tend to be at odds with one another. Since governments are willing to use force and fraud to get what they want rather than resort to legitimate means, you don't really want to be around when they clash.

So what, you'd just let Wal-Mart and the NRA run over us?

Not at all. Large corporations and supposed 'special interest groups' are also governmental by temperment, and if they cannot get what they want they are willing to conspire with other governmental bodies to enforce their wishes.

It has been pointed out that while Wal-Mart doesn't 'have' guns they only 'sell' them, the cooperation between big business and government is widespread and geared towards thwarting individual liberty. Ask a coffeehouse owner who's had a Starbucks plop down across the street about fair competition. Or a microbrewery who's distributor has been threatened by Anheuser-Busch that if they continue distributing the micro, AB will find someone else to truck their beer. Sure, AB has the right to contract with who they like for distribution, but such anti-competitive practices amount to borderline-government behavior.

But if you get rid of government, who will protect us from criminals?

Since criminals are governmental agents, getting rid of government includes getting rid of criminals. To the extent that this is utopianism, that criminals will always be among us, anarchy is impossible. That doesn't mean government should be tolerated.

Just because you can't prevent every theft, fraud, assault or molestation doesn't mean you resign yourself to their existence.

Are you serious?


Do you believe in homosexual marriage?

Of course. Seeing is believing.

Marriage is, depending on your view, either a religious institution, in which case a church can marry any pair or group of people they want to, or it's a state-sanctioned contract, in which case there's no reason to restrict it to being gender specific. The Religious Right likes to make a lot of the argument that if you allow gay marriage, next thing you know you'll have polygamy and bestial unions. The polygamy part I can see. If a man or woman is foolish enough to want more aggravation than just one spouse can cause, let 'em have as many wives or husbands as they want. The bestiality thing is a red herring because animals can't enter into contracts.

On the other hand, no-fault divorce has led to a culture that treats marriage too lightly. Instead of jacking around with bankruptcy laws to enrich the outrageously profitable loan sharks of the credit card industry, we should be cracking down on casual, no fault divorce. The Religious Right should consider this trade-off.

Allow states to issue marriage licenses (if they must, really there's a huge question of what the state is doing regulating marriage at all), to polygamists and homosexuals. Mormons and gays get what they want, and in exchange, you offer the Religious Right a return to having to show cause for a divorce.


Midwest Rock Lobster ©2005 All Rights Reserved.
Revised March 20, 2005
Legitimate questions, concerns and technical difficulties may be sent to Midwest Rock Lobster
Illegitimate questions may be sent to:
George W. Bush or current occupant
1600 Pennsylvania, Washington D.C. 20500
George won't be much help to you; nor would Kerry if he'd won that sham of an election. But at least you won't be bothering lobsters.